After a real conviction and sense of urgency brings someone to the dry ground of sobriety and you have walked in those shoes for a while, there can be a “letting down of the guard.” This is where the commitment to stay sober, 1 day at a time, may be challenged! You may make a decision that does not have your best interests at heart, but rather feeds into the mental compulsion to drink or use. If you give into this pull to go back to the old stand-by way of escape, falling into consuming substances to numb the discomfort or pain, into the old behavior and habits, then you are said to have had a recurrence or a relapse.
It All Counts
Now at this point I feel it is important to say that just because you may have relapsed a time or two does not mean the time you have with sobriety isn’t valuable. It is very valuable!! Each day you spend sober is a step in the right direction. Yet, going back to something you know will only bring bad results is obviously not the way. Also, not all relapses are created equal!! Having a drink and realizing that it was wrong and getting right back into sober living is not the same as having a drink, then 8 more, then snorting cocaine, and looking for a needle! The problem is, as the saying in recovery rooms go, “one is too many and a thousand is not enough!” So, before you allow that twist of thinking to dictate your actions, stop, take a deep breath, and just wait.
Breathe Through Anxious Moments
While you are anxious or feeling overwhelmed is not the state of mind to be making big decisions. Try drinking a glass of water! Try opening your favorite book and reading a page or two. Seek out someone to sit down and connect with. Open your email to view your daily lesson, and soak in some new material! Here is a Ted Talk London by Johann Hari. He says that addiction is more about isolation than “being hooked,” and that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but connection. Practicing the principle, first do no harm, while we strengthen and make new connections gives ourselves time to heal. Enjoy the video.
Watch Video Now
Did you catch the statement Mr. Johann Hari made at the end of the video?
“We have traded floor space for friends and traded stuff for connections. As a result, we are the loneliest society ever.” He believes, through his research around the world, that those who have connections and support that they want to be present for can much better avoid becoming addicted. Makes sense, right? We are not responsible for how other people treat us. Many may not respond to our struggles with love and understanding. We can be responsible for our own choices and attitudes. Let's try something different!
Everyone Needs Bonding!
We need to know we are not alone. We need to know we are loved, no matter what. The people who you know suffering from substance use and abuse need to know they are loved and that we are here to listen to them. The intervention model where the addicted person is surrounded by concerned loved ones is good. Then they are told that if they do not stop, they will be cut off, isolated, and left alone!! There is no need for people in recovery to be left alone while getting sober. Seek out positive influences!
Johann said that instead of war songs about addiction and addicts, “maybe we should have been singing them love songs.” I really like that! Singing love songs to those struggling with hurts, pains, wounds, and the prickly briar-bush of addiction certainly couldn’t do any harm! How many people walking around out there on the street, in schools, in the workplace do you think are hurt or wounded in some way? 25%, 50%, 75, %, more?? What would most benefit them? What would most help you become healthier and whole? Being isolated? Or being connected? Being given the tools to choose sobriety? Or having everything taken away from you? Being locked up? Or being set free from the root causes of your addictive tendencies?
Mr. Hari explained how in Portugal they put all the money that was meant to disconnect and isolate those suffering from addiction and adverse behaviors into programs that help connect people to the community and purposeful work. We all need purposeful work. That seems like a good re-direction! The research proves that it worked for them.
Managing on Life’s Terms
I have realized that many of my worst binges of substance abuse came in response to believing I wasn’t worthy of love! Perhaps I wasn’t acting very lovable! But, that’s not the same as being worthy of love. Even after stretches of sobriety-a week, a month, even a year, I could feel at times a deep sense of not being worthy of love and revert back and use again. Each day we make a choice to remain sober.
We can be loving and encouraging to others when they are struggling. The truth is though, people don’t always do that. I don’t always do that. If I’m looking for some affirmation that I’m worthy or that what I’m doing is good and I don’t get it, I could get discouraged. Before recovery I would look to change how I feel by using vices. Now, I look for truth and tools to manage on life’s terms.
Living in an addiction bubble can lead to wanting to do everything you want your own way in your own time. Managing life on life’s terms means that there will be responsibilities to follow through on. There will be people to talk to and schedules to keep. There will be consequences to my actions, whether good or bad. So, making the next right decision is always a big part of staying sober and working out the path ahead.
****Suggested Action Step****
Making a List
Try making a list of the things you would like to get done over the next couple of days. Put at least 5-7 items down on the list. Put a nice open box at the beginning of each item so you can check it off when you are done. Some people put the list in order of importance. Some do it easiest to hardest. Some put the hardest things first! Lists help to organize our thoughts and stay on track accomplishing the various tasks we need to do. Here is an example list.
- Do a workout.
- Come home and fix closet door in bedroom (or go to work)
- Go online and apply for 1 job I have a chance to get
- Do my daily 24/7 Sobriety Success lesson
- Do laundry
- Read my favorite book for 15 minutes
- Go to a meeting, check in with sponsor, call a friend
Question for Reflection: What activities have you started doing to replace old habits? Is there something else you want to start doing that will help strengthen your recovery?
Helpful Links
Book: The Checklist Manifesto. How to Get Things Right by Atul Gawande
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0030V0PEW/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
Book: Lost Connections by Johann Hari