Introduction
There are so many apocalyptic movies that have portrayed humanity as wandering around as a lost nomad after great destruction has occurred. There is an overwhelming sense of hopelessness as survivors peer through the dust. Life is futile. Humanity tried, was destroyed, and now life will be extremely difficult until death comes and swallows up the remaining few. Who is writing these movies? Why is judgment always connected to hopeless and utter destruction? Isn’t it possible that judgment could have something to do with love? Could humanity coming to the crux of a new era actually embrace wisdom, and learn to live in harmony with truth, the earth, and one another? People can be their own worst enemies. What do you think about yourself? What kind of messages are you entertaining in your mind, holding in your heart? If we remain in default-going through the motions mode, there will be a slippery road ahead! Let’s get informed.
Elements of Self-Compassion
Kristen Neff, author of the Self-Compassion Workbook writes about the 3 elements inherent in self-compassion. They are:
self-kindness vs. self-judgment
common humanity vs. isolation, and
mindfulness vs. over-identification
I believe we have touched upon all three of these elements in the modules during the first five weeks of the series in one way or another. Practicing kindness, not being isolated, staying aware of where we have been and where we are (staying current with our moral inventories), riding the wave of negative emotions, staying calm through the storms, reaching out to others for support and wise counsel, to name some. Dr. Neff offers a definition that is helpful.
Self-compassion involves acting the same way
towards yourself when you are having a difficult time,
fail, or notice something you don’t like about
yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a
“stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself
“this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort
and care for myself in this moment?
There is much to learn in looking into these three elements as a starting point. Let’s look at the first one.
Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment. In this element experiencing difficulty is a reality that can be challenging to accept. She says self-compassionate people recognize life’s difficulties, failures, and being imperfect. 
When faced with painful experiences they lean towards being tender with themselves as opposed to getting angry (Neff, K., 2019). So, not judging includes yourself! Do not judge yourself, be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself when you mess things up. Be kind to yourself when feeling down. Be courageous enough to look at the reality of the situation. Don’t be an ostrich with its head in the sand, in denial. Feel it, accept it.
Before we move onto the next element by Kristen Neff, let’s look at one of Great Britain’s leading psychologists, Marissa Peer. Her video titled: How to Free Yourself from Judgment and Start Living, is quite inspirational. She gives added insight into the self-kindness vs. self-judgment comparison.
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Where do we learn to be overly critical and judmental or ourselves and others?
We are not born with it. She brings out the example of the baby who is perfectly happy to be given a deluge of attention. You never hear the baby saying: “Oh, don’t look at me I’m all wrinkly!” We can overcome self-judgment and look at ourselves in a positive light.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation
This element understands that being human and in the human condition means one will make mistakes and experience suffering. This reality is one we share with all humans. The tendency though is to feel isolated and think that ‘it is only happening to me.’ Remember the no man is an island metaphor we used in the introduction to the module on relationships? Suffering and inadequacy truly are a shared human experience. We can look to many times in history where suffering broke out into a shared experience by many thousands and millions of people. World War II is an example where the world was polarized and then unified by injustice and by the suffering of many. When disease outbreaks, like the AIDS epidemic in Africa through the 1980’s and 1990’s and here in the United States, people began having compassion for those suffering. Awareness increased! People started using barrier protection and practicing abstinence to protect themselves. These actions, that came from the awareness of humanities sufferings, led to individuals making compassionate personal choices.
By the way, if you didn’t know, the AIDS epidemic is not over yet. Approximately 36.9 million people are living with HIV/AIDS worldwide as of 2017. There are about 5000 new infections per day (HIV.gov).
Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
The third element she mentions, mindfulness vs. over-identification, is important for those of us in recovery to remember. It is important to identify emotions, character traits, shortcomings, wrongs against others, and so on. We do not want to stuff emotions in or exaggerate them, Dr. Neff says, but be aware of them, be mindful of them. We do not want others to stamp us with negative stigmas and we don’t want to stigmatize ourselves either. Sharing stories of negative emotions and experiences puts them in a different light, a bigger context. Suddenly, the shame and isolation bubble is burst. Someone else has experienced what I have or feels a similar way. It really is refreshing and relieving.
Conclusion
We do not suffer alone. There is comfort and hope in knowing that you are not alone in your suffering. Self-compassion is not about stroking your ego! It is not about avoiding hard circumstances and the difficulties reality brings. It is about acknowledging what is real, not seeking to escape it, but being aware of it. We can choose life affirming thoughts, we can choose life affirming actions. Being compassionate to others around us is also like being compassionate to ourselves since there is a shared common ground within humanity. Think about that! It brings us to the concept of selfless self-love. This idea goes beyond the science of our brains and biochemistry. There is no need to limit or over-identify yourself with therapy language either. Allow yourself to move forward past the pain and difficulties you have experienced when possible. While you are foraging through life in the valley, practice being kind and forgiving.
Question for Reflection: Knowing others are experiencing similar struggles to you is hepful. Who is someone you know that has experienced great suffering. How did it change them? How did it change you?
Helpful Links
Marissa Peer Books