Introduction
There are many people who have come a certain distance in accomplishing their life goals, their education, their work, and then find themselves sidetracked. Unexpected events, illness, accidents, wrong choices, or some other cause brings them to a place of emotional distress. They become stuck in a rut and have difficulty pushing through. They are going through the motions. Perhaps their friendships and relationships have become challenged as they feel disconnected from their own vitality. Sometimes their thinking becomes overly critical and they become discouraged. There is a lack of peace.
In relating to these scenarios, you know it is all a part of the backdrop that sets the stage for drug and alcohol use and abuse. A person’s life can become out of alignment, and unmanageable. There are so many people today that are struggling with addictions of various kinds in varying degrees. It is helpful to hear other people’s stories and to know that we are not the only ones facing these life challenges.
Today we will look into a testimony of one man, who has had his life torn apart by addiction, and found the way through into recovery, healing, and received great strength and new opportunities for his future in the process.
Testimony of Restoration
Paul wrestled with many challenges in his life. He did not have a clear sense of how to deal with intense emotional struggles. He tended to withdraw, get depressed, get angry, and look for ways to escape those emotions. He grew up in a family with two parents at home, yet it seemed there was always arguing and disagreements, and he felt like he had to walk on eggshells so not to upset his dad who had quite a temper.
Growing up in the cold Boston winters became too painful for his mother’s increasing arthritis issues, and they moved out West to Arizona when Paul was 15. The small town in Massachusetts he grew up in had been Paul’s only home, and the move was a big adjustment. He had difficulties making friends at first and seemed to gravitate towards different groups trying to feel his way through. He started drinking alcohol shortly after moving there. He tried marijuana and started smoking cigarettes. His alcohol use increased during his senior year of high school, and then more so when he went away to college.
Paul was exploring a whole new world searching to find himself and a clear path. Yet, he was still angry about his family’s move away from all the familiar places and friends he had always known. He was constantly feeling insecure about who he was, and his ability to learn new things. He didn’t feel like he had a voice or a purpose. Paul felt very alone. He had been in a string of relationships with girls that all ended badly, and he was constantly “on the run,” needing his space.
Dealing with emotional stress by running and escaping or denying and justifying was a part of his personality. He didn’t recognize the addictive pattern that had formed and taken a hold of him. Any thought or conversation that made him feel insecure was enough to put him on the search to extinguish that pain. He experimented with a variety of drugs including LSD, mushrooms, marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, and ecstasy, in a desperate search for true meaning, purpose, and direction. He felt trapped. He was unable to stop the intense drive to find freedom through whatever means possible, even if it was destructive like using drugs and alcohol, which just put him further into confusion. It wasn’t until after his first DUI and 30 days in jail at age 27 that he began seriously reflecting on his life and his behaviors.
He had grown up in the church, the son of a choir director. He had a definite belief in God, and that had always been a saving grace for him, leading him to times of sobriety in between the binges. There was more than one occasion where he believed through the Holy Ghost, through Jesus Christ, that his life was saved. Bad trips, car accidents, reckless hikes in the wilderness, and countless times driving under the influence didn’t end his life. He believed he had a bigger purpose, a reason to live and thrive. He worked in both the restaurant business as a server, a bartender, then a manager, and the medical field as a research tech. He always went back to his love of singing and would often find restoration through God in praise and worship. That’s where life made the most sense to him.
Paul also had a heavy dose of not learning from his mistakes. He would go on to be arrested for 3 more DUI’s, for a total of 4 by the time he was 37. His last one landed him with a felony and a 4-month sentence in the Arizona state prison. This is a man who has never had any trouble with the law that didn’t involve alcohol. A man who had musical gifts and talents, a love for writing, and a love for nature. He had a compassionate heart for the needs of others, and always wanted to see others happy and joyful. He believed that no obstacle was too big to overcome, and he constantly encouraged others to look on the bright side and believe in themselves and a loving God who was there for them.
When it came to his own life though, living consistently on the right path would prove quite difficult. He was like a pendulum swinging back and forth from the good and positive, to the depressed and anxious, unstable in all his ways. When things were going well, he would be triggered by insecurities, or failed relationships, and go into self- sabotage mode which almost always involved drinking. Some of the thoughts that came into his mind were: “I will never be good enough.” “Things will never work out the way I want them to.” “People will never understand me.” “I’m not attractive, or likeable.” “I don’t have enough money.”
All of these thoughts brought about great emotional pain and frustration for Paul. The truth is, people generally found Paul very likeable, and were taken by his kindness and his talents. His self-image was sorely lacking confidence though, and that led to being dishonest about who he was and what he had done. He was angry and pointed the blame for his issues onto other people and situations. He hadn’t developed the tools to be open and transparent of his shortcomings, or to take real responsibility for his actions. After a while he didn’t believe he was capable of turning his life around.
Finally, when Paul was about 36, he began seeking real help for his life, his relationships, and his addictions. He decided that he couldn’t do it alone, and that he was in danger of losing everything including now his wife and children due to drinking and other addictive behaviors. He was faced with the very real possibility that if he didn’t make some clear decisions now, others were going to be making them for him, for a long time to come. He decided to invite God into the center of his life, his addictions, and his family. He became humbled enough to let go of his pride just enough to allow the truth to start working on the inside of him. His pride needed to be crucified. He decided to become sober, no matter what!
The next 7 years of Paul’s life would turn out to be both the most difficult and the source of some of his biggest blessings. From prison, to divorce, to the death of both his mother and father, to the loss of his vocation, he had to lean on God’s strength, His Word, and the fellowship and prayers of his spiritual brothers and sisters. Not to mention the loss of his addictions! They had been with him for a long time, and one by one, sometimes slowly, and in some key moments of conviction, they began to fall away. He had turned to Pastors, educators, and counselors for help, opening up about his failures, hopes, and needs. The shame and insecurities that he had felt for so long began to fall away. He was being strengthened and healed that he might reach out to others, and love others the way he had received it in his times of need. He realized that he did have a voice, and a purpose, and that despite all of his mistakes and wrong turns, there was a way to get back on the horse, and back on the path to the life he was capable of living.
He would go on to be a soloist in his church, and even direct the family choir and give music instruction to children. He was promoted to be an assistant to the head priest at an Anglican Church Parish. He was also given the privilege of being a dad to two boys that mean the absolute world to him. Along the way, when his mother and father became ill, he was able to be a caregiver for them until they died. With humility, and love, Paul was able to look back at his past, and ahead to his future, and shine with a peaceful smile. Life was bigger than the sum of his mistakes, and a renewed mind and thought life led to making new decisions with new outcomes. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” This would become one of Paul’s guiding passages to live by.
Each of us has a story to tell. They are filled with various chapters: some good, some bad, some frightening, some exciting, some victorious, and most importantly some yet to be written. We learn from Paul’s story, that even though he repeatedly made some of the same mistakes over and over again, that there is always hope, and a way forward and through the shadows. Paul reached a turning point when he accepted that he needed help and was on the brink of losing everything.
Suggested Action Step/Reflection
Start your story about living sober. How do you envision it? What are some barriers? Write a paragraph or even just a few bullets points.
Conclusion
Each of you can stop and look within yourselves and face where you are and where you have been. With hope and support you can look straight ahead and walk into a future that is filled with meaningful possibilities. Each day you choose to live life on life’s terms, committed to the good, you get stronger. The demons and shadows that have haunted you and pulled at your sense of well-being are weakened and then cast away. It is often our own sense of unworthiness and insecurity that brings about self-sabotaging behaviors. This muddles the beauty and opportunity around us. There is a clear line between the light and the dark, and each of us can choose to walk in the light.
Question for Reflection: What does it mean to you to be living in the dark? What does it mean to you to walk in the light?
Helpful Links
Book: From Addiction to Miracles
https://www.amazon.com/Addiction-Miracles-William-Keck-Jr/dp/0979442419