Introduction
All of us have or will experience the death of a loved one. Family members, friends, and loved ones that are now suddenly taken from us can leave a deep wound and an emptiness in our lives. How do you handle death? Have you grown up in a family that openly talked about death being a part of this life, taking the fear out of it? In the Elements of Self-Compassion Module, we talked about how life is a gift. What a great gift indeed!
Grieving— Process, Traditional Stages and Emotions
Grieving is a Process
The video below is on the grieving process. If you are still grieving the loss of a loved one and being pulled down by it, understand that you don’t have to go through it alone. Grieving also does not always strictly follow the 5 traditional stages of grieving which are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
You may go through multiple stages simultaneously or jump around. It’s helpful to know that dealing with grief can be unpredictable.
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Do you tend to reach out for help when experiencing life changing events like the loss of a loved one?
Seek Counseling. Places like Eric’s House in Phoenix, AZ. specialize in people who have experienced sudden loss. Their site and center have great information on how to get through.
People do not have to be alone going through their grief.
Grieving and Feeling
Notice that grieving comes before letting go in the title to today’s lesson. People can pretend the loss of someone doesn’t affect them. Some have the attitude that the person’s life should be celebrated, and they are not going to shed a single tear. I agree people should celebrate life including the lives of the people around them (living or dead). However, to block out having an emotional experience and deny that losing someone is difficult denies you the opportunity to express yourself, to heal, and to grow as a human being. Grieving is natural. Grieving is good.
Feeling What You Feel
It hurts to lose someone. It is often an emotionally painful experience. If it is a close family member or good friend, then you have a whole host of shared experiences together. You may experience sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion, or fear. This is normal. Allow yourself to feel these things. Holding as a constant reminder those things you still have and are grateful for helps. Life will go on! But,
there’s no easy way through. No quick solution. Even if you believe that person is now with God in a better place, entering into that place of loss and feeling the feelings that emerge, helps bring a sense of completion. It enables you to let go with peace!
Don’t Numb the Pain
Do you remember what we learned about numbing emotions in the module on Emotional Intelligence? We learned that when you numb “negative” emotions,
you also numb the good ones. So, while experiencing pain and sorrow, focus on how that brings you into reality. These emotions are a part of you. They help you change and grow.
Having lost both of my parents, I went through this process in my own way. For a while I had what I would call symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress. The time surrounding when they died (a year apart from one another), played over in my mind. There were days when I was more effected by it than others. I missed them! Slowly, I have been able to remember more and more of the good times and the good memories. I can now focus on my increased appreciation for life. That appreciation has become a catalyst for positive change, living on purpose.
Urgent Care and Prayer
When my mother had become very ill and had to be hospitalized again, there were some difficult decisions to be made. I had been her care giver for a few years at that point and was deeply involved and emotionally committed to helping her in any way that I could.
After a number of surgeries, the doctor came and spoke to me about her condition and that further interventions were unlikely to be helpful. Unlikely to be helpful!! What? This can’t be happening. This sounds like she is dying! I retreated to the quiet room at the end of the hall in the Intensive Care wing of the hospital. I stood there by the window with eyes closed and began to pray to God for help understanding and to make the right decisions. Help me to deal with this, because I can’t deal with it on my own!
I’m not sure how long I stood there in deep conversation with a God I couldn’t see but believed was there. When I finally opened my eyes, directly centered outside the window of the third floor was a bright rainbow painted across the sky. I had my answer. God was listening! She would be ok. She would have to go through death. But she would not be alone.
Letting Go
In that moment in the hospital I was able to let go. It was made possible by first grieving the fact of my mother’s dying. I then needed to find hope in the goodness and truth of life. Each of us has different experiences with death. One thing is for sure. Death is not the end but a new beginning. Look at nature. Flowers bloom in Spring and then die in the Summer. Their seeds though are spread by the wind to be planted in the good soil to emerge the next season. Hope allows a person to let go. Just as a new plant grows out of the seeds from the existing one, hope grows out of the emotions and experiences we have during times of great loss. They are not in vein. They have purpose.
Question for Reflection
How would pushing emotions aside when someone close to you dies, without giving yourself the space to grieve, leave you vulnerable to substance use?
Helpful Links
A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
https://www.amazon.com/Grief-Observed-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652381/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=spirituality+and+grief&qid=157134 2360&sr=8-3