We all come from different family backgrounds. Some grow up in homes as the only child. Some have numerous siblings. Some children are adopted. 
Some grew up in the care of foster parents. Some of us had parents with addiction problems. Some of us had the perfect childhood! Just kidding. That may not exist. Whatever your family of origin background, it makes a deep impact on how you view the world, relationships, faith, money, education, and so on.
So, we begin this week’s module by looking into key components of family of origin like self-differentiation to better go forward in strength and vibrant health. How do we deal with the difficulties connected to our family of origin as adults? Do we stay entangled within a dysfunctional system? Do we separate from them completely? Or is there a third option? Watch this video by relationship expert Jerry Wise.
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What is self-differentiation?
How does self-differentiation help heal family of origin dysfunction?
How is this a better choice than doing nothing or totally separating from family?
Stop Having Such High Expectations of Your Family of Origin.
People are encouraged in this video to stop having such high expectations with members of their family of origin that disappointment and discouragement don’t set in. Also, that family doesn’t need to meet those expectations for us to be ok. When Jerry Wise says that separating from family completely is just the other side of the coin of being enmeshed and fused unhealthily with them, he isn’t suggesting that people should stay connected to and engaged with abuse. He is not saying to put yourself into an abusive or dangerous situation. Quite the opposite. He is helping people to come out of that kind of dysfunction.
Stop Trying to Change Your Family
We learn that it isn’t our job to change our family. We can be happy even if they don’t change. They probably won’t change and that’s ok. Be yourself! Don’t let fear of others, their reactions to you, or their lack of understanding prevent you from being free and being yourself. It isn’t your job to solve their problems. You
can choose to be kind to them, patient, and understanding, but you aren’t responsible for them changing. You are responsible for you changing. What a relief!
What is Self-Differentiation?
I am not you, and you are not me. We are not our family. We have come out of our family and are significantly formed from that field of reality. The dysfunction of fused one-on-one relationships and relationship triangles keeps us from a clear definition of who we are today as adults. We can recognize what is loving and supportive and what is not. We can come to realize when the emotional well from a dysfunctional system is empty and stop going back to it with misplaced expectations.
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What does it mean to have a strong nucleus as a member of your family or as a leader?
How are human relationships similar to cells in our bodies?
How to Respond to Family in Recovery
These self-differentiation tools help us to honor our true selves without judging
others. Related are shame and stigma issues we get to uncover, air out, and let go
of as well as the naturally changing dynamics of making new choices. Consider
these key questions.
- How does being sober and in recovery effect my relationships with other family members who are still drinking and using?
- Do my family members have expectations of me to remain sober?
- Are they supportive of my recovery process and the time it will take?
- Has an emotional dependence on my family been a part of my addiction behavior or Substance Abuse Disorder?
- Do I need to react to the judgements or name calling of others?
Moment for Reflection: Shifting our attitudes, behaviors, and choices may make us and others around us uncomfortable. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable when you know you are doing the right thing, and that the move you are making is honoring of who you are.
Responding by Doing Nothing
When conversations with family get heated and charged hurtful things tend to be said. This is damaging. We want people to understand our point of view. We hope they will be reasonable and kind. Yet, again, lowering our expectations helps us to diffuse the triggers of reactionary mudslinging. Expecting others to not get it seems counter-intuitive. Requiring them to completely understand us though is unrealistic. Don’t engage in reactionary arguments where both sides only want to be right but both people lose in the end.
You can always choose to stand firm and do nothing. Be true to your higher power. Be true to yourself. Just as we recognized the H.A.L.T. acronym (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) as effective for evaluating our state of mind and being in a moment, we can stop and evaluate the best course of action with family members. Making a wise decision going forward with them, may look very different than it has in the past.
Conclusion
How we are connected to our family of origin is key. Are we connected via a broken emotional system that keeps us recycling old habits, expectations, and results? Are we trying to fulfill childhood needs? Are we connected with them as mature adults who respect one another’s value systems and choices? Are we experiencing joy and love with them?
Question for Reflection: How can we help to nurture joyful and loving relationships with our family?
Helpful Links
Here’s a link to Failure of Nerve by Edwin H. Friedman on self-differentiation. https://www.amazon.com/Failure-Nerve-Revised-Leadership-Quick/dp/1596272791/ref=sr_1_1?crid=37EBI7BDMBGO6&keywords=failure+o f+nerve+by+edwin+friedman&qid=1570737345&sprefix=Failure+of+Nerve%2Ca ps%2C207&sr=8-1