Putting it All Together

This module has been quite a journey! There is so much to consider when it comes to family—past, present, and future. The principles and lessons we dove into take time to come to fruition. Staying aware of them and continuing on that path is life giving! Take it easy on yourself and be flexible. Remember self-kindness is far better than self-judgment. Doing the work to disconnect from unhealthy emotional systems and stand as a person with strong character and integrity will lead to peace. Let’s go through our weekly review of each day’s lesson.

Day 1 – Family of Origin

• Identified the diversity of our families of origin and key components like self-differentiation.
• Watched the Jerry Wise video on the importance of not staying enmeshed and tangled with a dysfunctional family system. Running away and total detachment also is not the answer.
• We were encouraged to stop having such high expectations of family. They don’t need to meet our expectations for us to be ok!
• Stop trying to change your family. It’s not your job.
• You can choose to be kind, patient, and understanding but you are not responsible for them changing.
• What is self-differentiation? I am not you. You are not me. We are not our family. We have been significantly formed by them though.
• Avoid the dysfunction of fused 1-on-1 or triangulated relationships.
• Realize when the emotional well from a dysfunctional system is dry and quit going back to it with misplaced expectations.
• Saw in the video the connection of each of us personally having a nucleus and its role in leadership.
• The lesson asked some key questions about family and recovery like, do I need to react to the judgments and demand of others?

Moment of Reflection: Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Day 2 – Exploring the Family Tree.

• This lesson looked to our heritage and ancestry – the high points, challenging and low points, key moments and people that have shaped our family line.
• We watched the Victoria Harrison, senior faculty at the Bowen Center for Studies on Family, video (interview) on self-differentiation.
• Are you perpetuating some of your family’s anxieties?
• Seeing the historical context of various major events and turning points of our families places negative and difficult events in the past where they belong.
• Heard the story of Herbert LaFleur who had a fiery and angry personality. We learned how this dramatically changed the course of his family’s future by perpetuating the old passed down behaviors and emotions.
• Woven within that were generations of addiction and substance abuse.
• You can make a Family Tree chart! Identify yours back to your great-grandparents or further if you can!

Go to www.myheritage.com or www.ancestry.com

Day 3 – Are You the Scapegoat?

• Scapegoat – a person who is unfairly blamed for something others have
• Bearing the blame for the brokenness of a family’s emotional system can fall on the truth tellers.
• Tired of chronic family issues, some try to separate from those dynamics.
• This conflicted emotional field can be the backdrop for using alcohol and other drugs.
• This lesson asked the question How can you react if others aren’t listening to your concerns? Do you need to become passive or aggressive?
• Watched the video by Joanna Kujath titled Unveiling the Narcissist

1. Narcissistic parents point the finger to make a child the scapegoat.
2. This may be the result of poor parenting from their parents and a lack of transparency of their own failure and character flaws.
3. Manipulation, blame, rebellion, and overly critical attitudes are all problem dynamics that can come out of this malformed family structure.

• Shining the light of truth, understanding, and self-differentiation can set us free.

• Get the log out of your eye. Deal with your own issues first before pointing to other people’s.

• You are a dynamic and changing person!

Day 4 – Grieving and Letting Go in Times of Loss.

Grieving is a process. Losing a loved one is something we have gone or will go through. Losing addictions is also a loss and requires understanding of grief stages.

• Traditional stages of grief are

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

• How you process grief may be unpredictable. You may jump around between different stages.
• Seek good counsel! You don’t have to grieve alone.

• Grieving and feeling emotions comes before letting go.

• Feeling painful emotions and acknowledging shared experiences helps.

• The lesson reminds us to hold gratitude in our hearts for the loved ones we are still present with.

• We revisited the idea that you don’t want to numb the pain with substances because you numb the good emotions of joy, gratitude, and love also.
• Losing a loved one can help you focus on an increased appreciation for life!

• Heard the story under the section Urgent Care and Prayer. This was the story of my mother’s death and how prayer led to acceptance and strength beyond what I imagined. We are not alone. This acceptance and love is instrumental in letting go.

• Question for Reflection: How does pushing emotions aside when someone close to you dies, without giving yourself space and time to grieve, leave you vulnerable to substance use?

Day 5 – Say What You Need to Say

• Noted the importance to work at maintaining healthy relationships.

• Tell family you love them often!

• The section on the power of agreement confirms that even through great differences, the willingness alone to talk about them together with others is healing and powerful.

• The Art of Listening spoke of the difference between hearing with our ears and listening with our hearts to the real needs and desires of others and the importance of teaching children to listen well.

• Good listening is a peaceful way to approach conflict. Say what you need to say and give others the attention to do the same.

Listening Tip: Sharpen listening skills with music. Link to Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings.

Day 6 – Do it for Your Kids

The beautiful smiles of children brings a breath of fresh air to the world.

• Watched the video which gave testimony of a brother and sister on the burden that comes from an addicted parent.
• The selfish demands of addiction push children’s needs, spiritual, emotional, and physical to the side.

• The sad truth that active addiction ends up taking priority over everything else if left unchecked.

• A willingness to stop using or engaging in addiction attitudes allows healing and restoration to take place. It may take time. The time it takes is worth it.

• Household dynamics change when children are born. Individual needs must give way to the needs of the dependent child or children.

• Strong boundaries will help regulate the families growing emotional system.

• Life Tip: children aren’t the center of the family. They do want and need clear structure and limits.

• This essential balance will greatly improve as a direct result of a parent developing structure and discipline with sobriety. Consistency and flexibility will work together for the good of all.

Module 8 – Recovery and Family - Conclusion

It is from our fathers and mothers and our family of origin that we first experience life. Learning to navigate our way through the rough waters of childhood and adolescence and into a healthy adulthood is no easy task. As adults we seek to improve on the generation and generations that came before us. Addiction can be a response to the emotional systems we are formed in. The work of self-differentiation, seeking and finding truth, and standing with clear boundaries, is life giving. You have needs. Each member of your family has needs.

All families have brokenness and shadows to bring into the light. There are tiny hands and feet that are counting on us to get things right. Your newfound awareness looks for love and healing to rejuvenate your life and your steps. Now you are stronger and more awake. What will you do with that strength and where will you go from here?

Question for Reflection: Journal about the vision you have for your family's positive transformation. What are some practical things you can do consistently to help that vision come true?