Introduction
Some of you may not have heard the term scapegoat before. Here is a brief definition from Merriam-Webster’s dictionary.
Scapegoat – A person who is unfairly blamed for something others have done.
This word finds its root back with the Ancient Israelites. The sins of the people were symbolically placed upon the head of the goat and then the goat was sent out of the camp into the wilderness. This was to keep the village pure and the people in right standing with God.
Taking One for the Team
In our own lives, sometimes individuals who are holding onto and expressing the emotional system of their families will be looked upon badly by others. Maybe you are one who calls people out on their behavior. Perhaps you, being unhappy with some chronic issue between family members or with the family as a whole have tried to separate from those dynamics. You may even have come into a place of using drugs and alcohol as a direct reaction to these unresolved issues.
Do others blame you for chronic family problems unfairly? You may be the proverbial scapegoat for your family. Or, maybe you can recognize a sibling, parent, aunt, or uncle who gets that stamp.
Is it your responsibility to take one for the team?
If others are not listening to your concerns do you need to become more assertive in speaking out?
Do you need to give up and just accept that certain things will not change?
Let’s go to today’s video and discover more on the family assigned role of the scapegoat by Joanna Kujath author of Unveiling ‘The Narcissist.’
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How is being labeled as a scapegoat a result of poor parenting?
What is the emotional fallout of being treated as the scapegoat?
How does recognizing the narcissistic parent’s tactics empower you to get free from this burden and stigma?
Manipulation Behavior and Projection
The perpetrator is the one, (often the parent) who is very critical. They blame a child for their own problems or the problems of the family. Their goal is to take the spotlight off of themselves to the truth-telling child. These criticisms that sometimes start very early in life can be internalized. Off balance dynamics that come out of that later in life include
Problems with authority.
Justification of wrong behavior.
Constantly having to prove your worth.
Feeling isolated.
As we have been talking about in this module, these behaviors and attitudes can be perpetuated in our own relationships and to our own children. Becoming aware of them and working to be self-differentiated shines that light of truth and understanding upon the situation. The truth sets us free!
All of us are responsible for our own behaviors and actions. No one else is responsible for them. Being called out on your own flaws doesn’t usually feel very nice! Do you tend to deflect or defend when people call you out on things? Or, do you appreciate (constructive) criticism? Do you welcome perspective and insight from counselors and peers who genuinely have your best interests at heart?
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The video highlights the author Don Miguel Ruiz’s book called The Four Agreements. According the book, the four agreements are
- Be impeccable with your word. What happens if you aren’t?
- Don’t take anything personally. How can this reduce stress?
- Don’t make assumptions. You know what making assumptions makes right?
- Always do your best. Not perfect but your best effort!
Get the Log Out of Your Own Eye
You may be familiar with the teaching of getting the log out of your own eye before pointing out the speck in someone else’s. What does this mean? Truth tellers who are hoping others will listen to their sage advice and observations need to be careful. While speaking the truth to others is good, doing it while your own actions and track record are questionable can get you into a lot of trouble. On the other hand, if you have really overcome something in your life, learned the lesson, and then go out to lovingly share the wisdom learned, that’s different. In the first scenario you are likely to be met with a defensive posture or even rejection! You may tell someone,
I think you are drinking too much.
They may say.
Look who’s talking!
If they know about your struggle and shift to healthier pastures though, they may respond with something more like:
Ya, you're probably right. Look how good you are doing! What’s your secret?
Having dealt with your own issue and your part in it, you can now see clearly to help your brother, sister, mom, dad, friend, co-worker, or colleague.
Conclusion
It isn’t right for anyone to unfairly place the blame of the family or of their problems on you, labeling you as the scapegoat. It also isn’t right for you to point the finger and label someone else with that stamp. Seeing reality and speaking the truth must come with kindness and love. If others are not speaking to you in a loving way you can let them know you won’t be accepting that kind of unhealthy communication anymore. Knowing about being compassionate and the fear tactics of manipulators puts you on solid ground. Protect yourself. Stand up for yourself. Fight it with love. You are a dynamic and changing person.
Question for Reflection: Who puts the most pressure on you from your family? Is that a positive influence on your life? What can you do to embrace opportunity for change ahead?
Helpful Links
https://www.amazon.com/Unveiling-Narcissist-Gain-Clarity-Yourself-ebook/dp/B07MQ24WT6/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=unveiling+the+narcissist&qid=15 71096281&sr=8-1