Welcome to Day 1 of Module 4- The Importance of Relationships. I’m sure you’ve heard the expression: “No man is an island.” What does that really mean? Well, humans were made to live in relationship. We are in relationship to our Creator and creation from day 1, as well as to our mother and father, guardians, mentors, brothers, and sisters. Soon we connect to neighbors, colleagues, peers, and other acquaintances in our communities. We socialize, work, pray, celebrate, grieve, solve problems, and create new ones with others. There are certainly times we act with a degree of autonomy and spending some time in solitude can be beneficial. Many of the world’s great thinkers and inventors were not strangers to spending time on their own!
Shared Experience
There is much that requires 2 or more working together, like a conversation. Often life is more enjoyable sharing experiences with others. Starting from when we are very young, we are eager to connect to others; sharing new things we are learning. From walking, our first words, drawing pictures, riding a bike, we want others to experience the same satisfaction and enjoyment that we do. It is essential to who we are. In talking about relationships, we have relationships with our God, and with people, but also with animals and nature too. In fact, the affection and loyalty of a pet and the responsibility of caring for our furry friends is very therapeutic.
Relationships with Animals
Some dogs with the right temperament and training become therapy dogs. They visit those who may be sick in the hospital, at an assisted living facility, or school. They bring tremendous joy to people just by their presence in the room. Animals have a way of relieving tensions and anxieties. For some who live alone, having a visit from an animal and their handler may be one of the few contacts they have during their day or week. Let’s look at a video now of some of these beautiful therapy dogs in action. You will see how people light up. Their island of isolation is at once connected. This video shows people with various physical, mental, or emotional disabilities interacting with the animals.
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In the video you saw how working with these dogs can help facilitate conversation and aid with socializing and relationships.
How did the dogs make people feel more comfortable?
How did it bring people into greater connection with others?
There have been many times in my life where I experienced feeling isolated and didn’t want to interact with others. I thought I needed drinking to be involved to connect with friends. My fears and anxieties prevented me from being honest and open with other people. I was afraid of being judged by others. I didn’t want to ask for help. I enjoy the part of the video where the child at the elementary school is reading to the dog. The dog handler said that the children have no fear of being judged by the dog who is perfectly happy to listen to them exactly how they are! This kind of acceptance is so important, and beautiful to see!
Relationships with People
The relationships we have with people can be more challenging at times than our relationships with animals! We have a history with people, and there may be expectations others have of us, and that we have of others. When expectations are not met, it can cause tensions and stress. Emotions get involved like anger, frustration, and fear. The peace and love we are wanting to give and receive within relationships can be dependent upon our willingness to allow change to take place, including clearing out any past resentments. In the last module we looked at Jordan Peterson’s video on The Dangers of Resentments. Being accountable and responsible for our part in a relationship, including being true to our word, taking responsibility for our actions, and being aware and considerate of other people’s needs and feelings are all at play here.
Addictive behaviors strain healthy relationships because they are selfish and self-serving; even though the consequences of these actions are destructive, the one wrestling with substance abuse and addiction continues to engage in these behaviors. Yes, there is always collateral damage! It is often the people who love and care for us the most who are the recipients of our unreasonable thinking and doing. As for me, the household I grew up in did not model very healthy relationships. There was a lot of arguing and a lot of avoiding conflict. I became passive aggressive and it became difficult for me to talk about what I was feeling. I started thinking there was something wrong with me. In fact, there was something wrong with the relationships around me. My mother and father for example, although they did their best with the information they had (and I am grateful for that), were not very good role models for communication, empathy, or dealing with conflict and emotions in a mature way.
So, what are some key elements of a healthy relationship? What do healthy relationships look like? How do we approach the people closest to us in a more positive way? What is it going to take to have better relationships in the future than we have right now? Jordan Peterson again has some useful words for us to reflect on, and if we choose to, put into practice.
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In the video we hear about how essential it is to reward others for good behavior. When people do something that is good, that we like and appreciate, we can tell them. “Thank you for doing that,” or “that was really good.” When we ask others to make a change, we need to be patient with them and allow them to do it badly for a while without criticizing them, until they learn.
Do some of Professor Peterson's suggestions make sense?
Could you see yourself communicating your needs and being patient for lasting changes to take hold?
He also goes on to say that it is important to show others how to train us, and to learn to make small positive changes within ourselves. We can be patient with others, and we can be patient with ourselves.
Supportive Relationships
Having supportive relationships in our lives is a key towards maintaining sobriety, both physical sobriety and emotional sobriety. Pursuing romantic relationships, although perfectly natural, can bring undesired consequences when we are not ready for them. Often, especially early on in recovery, giving ourselves the time to heal and get to solid ground again is the most important thing. We need to establish healthy boundaries! What is good for us? What is not? Who in my life is understanding about my recovery process? Who is not? What changes do I need to make to continue to grow in this positive direction? How long might this take? Am I repeating a pattern from the past that has no chance of success? Am I applying the new principles I am learning?
The times in my life that I pursued working on myself and abstained from any romantic involvement were usually the most productive and creative times. I did not have a clear identity of who I was or what healthy boundaries looked like. Getting involved in a romantic relationship pulled me away from the corrective work I needed to do. I was so emotionally dependent on receiving affirmations from the person I was with, that I would stop seeking truth and growth on my own. Not good! That isn’t to say that those of you who are currently in a committed relationship should stop being in one. What I am saying is that if you are not in one or are in one that is destructive and unhealthy, that putting your sobriety and well-being first and making moves to keep that a priority is wise.
After all, we can’t teach others what we need and how to bring us satisfaction in a relationship when we don’t know what we need or what brings us true satisfaction! Changes take time. Developing strong and honest relationships takes time. Whatever relationship and communication skills we learn though we can keep for a lifetime. It’s worth the wait!
Question for Reflection: Who is or was your favorite pet? What made them particularly special to you?
Helpful Links
Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend
https://www.amazon.com/stores/page/117013FC-6C55-4118-A67E-4B52671CB677
Jordan Peterson Lecture
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VM1UA0pCMQ
Knowing You Are in an Abusive Relationship