If only we had the perfect example and role models in our lives, had more opportunities, and made the best of the opportunities we have had. If only others could understand us better, and we stayed with the projects we started. If only we could go back and turn right instead of turning left at that crucial crossroads. If only we hadn’t been unfaithful, become addicted, lost our temper, or held on to those resentments. If only my spouse, friend, father, mother, pastor, counselor, sponsor was more supportive of me. If only this world were fair, more peaceful, less violent.
Learning to Forgive
It is easy to see that the world is broken, and so are we. No one is perfect, no one has all the answers. No one, no matter how they may appear from the outside, has it all together and lives without trials and tribulations. Yet, often, we have demanding expectations and insist things go our way. We want others to be accountable for all their actions, but we want to be forgiven for our mistakes and given second chances. We must come to terms with our mistakes, shortcomings, and character flaws. We must learn to forgive others who have wronged us. Forgiving others does not mean agreeing with them, or condoning their actions, just counting them as one who needs forgiveness like ourselves.
Resentments Block Forgiveness
Living with resentments is a full-time job! Pointing the finger at others and brooding over expectations not being met, can also bring great unhappiness, and even illness. Instead of focusing on the flaws of others though, we can look at our own shortcomings and flaws, and acknowledge those. How did your moral inventory go? Have you hurt or wronged other people? Have you failed to live up to your end of the deal, or failed to love others the way you could? It isn’t easy work to acknowledge these things and reach out to others asking for forgiveness from them, but it is very satisfying, healing, and renewing. After all, being vulnerable is not weakness, its strength. It says you are willing to be honest, authentic, and connect to a healthy support system.
Step 6 – A.A. “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
Being vulnerable and humble in working the first five steps brings you to step six. Now having realized and admitted our wrongs and character flaws make the conscious decision to allow God to remove them. It isn’t something we can do by ourselves. We need the help of our higher power. We do our part in coming clean and a fearless searching moral inventory. This step cannot be rushed through. If it isn’t making sense to you right now, that’s ok! Just go back through the first five steps and continue to practice gratitude and humility.
Study Tip: These steps are laid out in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Working through them with a sponsor and sitting down to share your struggles and victories with others is important. We introduce the steps here in this Educational Series. You may be tracking along with them as they are presented. That’s great! Or, you may receive this as an introduction to the 12 steps. There is no need to rush through them. As long as you are taking your need for sobriety (both physical, emotional, and spiritual) seriously, then you are headed in the right direction!
Humility
Step 7 – A.A. “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”
Being entirely ready to let these shortcomings or character flaws go, you now ask Him to remove them.
The key word in step 7 being humbly. What is humility? Starting on page 70 of the Big Book of A.A. there is an excellent discussion of what humility means. Here is a paraphrase and summary. There is the worldly understanding of material gain and acquisition that can satisfy our base instincts. Some would argue that this is what is most important. In the testimonies of alcoholics and addicts though, including my own, this is a recipe for disaster. The willingness to put the focus on character development above that of material gain is the work of humility. We look to material resources to help meet our needs, not to be the object of our goal. Realizing that by our own abilities and resources we fall short (shortcomings), we look to something greater than ourselves to intervene on our behalf.
Making Amends
Step 8 – A.A. – “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all.”
This first looks back at the wrongful actions and attitudes to people in the past.
It then makes “a vigorous attempt to repair the damage.”
Finally, “with this newly found knowledge works to develop the best possible relations with every human being we know!”
Watch Video Now – Step 8 Testimonial
Making amends is more than saying “I am sorry!” We may be sorry for the harms against others, but making amends is doing what we can to repair the relationship. If something was torn or broken because of our actions, then now we do what we can to repair the damage and bring peace. Some things, as he said in the video, cannot be fixed. We have to accept that. But we become willing to fix the things we can.
***Suggested Action Step***
You may have already started this while watching the video. Get a pen or pencil and your notebook and begin making a list of all persons you have harmed. This is people you have harmed physically, emotionally, spiritually, or any other way. They may have harmed you too, but right now you are taking care of “your side of the street.” You can write down the names and briefly list what the wrong was. Then you can write something that could be done or said to help repair the damage and make it right.
Conclusion
Life is too short to be looking over our shoulder all the time, or to be left with the unresolved nagging feeling of having done wrong to others. Taking the time to do this character- building work is the work of wisdom. It is the work of a mature person who wants true freedom. Healthy, happy relationships are possible, but they take work!
Question for Reflection: How does carrying burdens of past wrongs keep you from being happy?
Helpful Links
Step 8 Testimonial
The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri J.M. Nouwen