In the process of growing and interacting with an often-complicated world, we may discover that the clarity of our beliefs and values get blurred by the beliefs, actions, and attitudes of others. Perhaps we are unsure of how to stand up for what we believe. We may blend with others. Of course, being considerate of other’s feelings and beliefs is essential. There may be people in our lives though that do not understand where we are coming from or share our plan for making positive changes. Life has a way of changing our priorities, and our relationships. Those who we have considered to be good friends, sharing much in common during one part of our life for example, may not react in a supportive way when we go in a new direction.
Communicating our Decisions
It is important to communicate to others what we are doing and what we need. “I have decided to stop drinking and make positive changes. I will not be hanging out drinking anymore.” Hopefully, they are open to hearing it. If they are not, then we need to question the true value of the friendship. A good friend will try to understand us and be supportive. We don’t want to sever the relationship, or hurt the other person, but if keeping things status quo and same old same old is hurting us from doing good, then we need to rethink our personal relationships and decisions. That person may say in response: “What are you talking about, so and so is coming over tonight, and we are going to party. What are you going to do next, go to an A.A. meeting?”
We know that the words we use, or don’t use are key to making good decisions and clear communication. What are some key words and phrases we can use to navigate out of difficult situations or temptations that may lead to drinking or other bad decisions?
I am not interested in that anymore.
I am trying to lose weight.
I have work to do.
That isn’t good for my health.
I need to go to work early.
I have a higher calling.
I am in the 24/7 Sobriety Program, and I don’t want to mess it up!
I have been sober for 3 weeks, and it’s going well. I’m not giving up now!!
Pressure to Belong
We need connection. We need to have some corporate identity. No man is an island. We don’t need to compromise our beliefs and values. The pull to water down or compromise our values can come from many directions. We first experience peer pressure from classmates in school. One classmate is chewing gum and sticks it under the desk, so then you or others decide it must be ok because the other person did it, and you stick your gum under the desk. Perhaps the class bully was calling little Sally or Barry names and you decide to join in. Or, you pull your cell phone out in class even when you know you aren’t supposed to. Peer pressure can also come from co-workers, girlfriends or boyfriends, family members, the media, and the general world and culture we live in. There are influences all around.
You know the expression “being cool,” or “that’s cool?” We grow up wondering what it will take for us to “be cool.” Do we feel accepted by the in crowd? How can we identify with fun, success, and a life of significance? I have done a long list of stupid things in the name of having fun, being cool, trying to fit in, trying to impress the girl, or trying to look smart. Trying to be the same as others or get people to always agree with me perhaps is not the way to real maturity. Taking a real interest in others and seeking to understand their values (even if they are different than mine), will stretch us and challenge us.
Being Uprooted
During high school, our family moved across the country from Boston to Phoenix. There is a big cultural difference between the two sides of the country. For a young man of 15 years old, struggling with confidence and identity issues, I was vulnerable to falling in with a group that saw drinking and smoking as ok, and encouraged me to follow suit. (I didn’t put up much resistance).
This was a whole new culture I was a part of moving from a suburban New England town to the urban sprawl of Phoenix. I felt like I had been living in a small box, in a small world. Now, the world just got much bigger, and I was swimming and not prepared to deal with it. I didn’t have the social skills, the tools, the knowledge and information I needed. This lack of knowledge and lack of confidence was a real threat to fulfilling the goals I had for myself of finding satisfying work and putting myself into education.
A Different Point of View
I found this Ted Talk by Julien Bourelle. He talks about the cultural glasses we see the world through. This is eye-opening perspective that challenges us to see things differently. We can change the cultural glasses we see the world through, which will help us in the way we choose to live and behave. Enjoy the video.
Watch Video Now
In the video, how did the Northern Europeans and the South Americans differ in the way they communicated with others?
Embracing Diversity
There is a key idea spoken about in the video about benefitting from cultural diversity. Understanding what is polite for people from different cultures. 
To someone from South America for example they will often be comfortable standing very close within another person’s space, even someone they have just met. But, a person from northern Europe, will keep a little more distance. You may be in a different culture than the one you grew up in or you may come across others from different cultures at work and in school. You may need to fine tune and understand the cultural glasses you are seeing and perceiving life through.
People tend to stay within circles that they are comfortable and familiar with. These groups will reflect a certain common ground. Yet, as Jordan Peterson points out, “we can truly benefit from spending time with people who are different from us.” We don’t need to be afraid to relate with others who are different from us. Once we realize that we are seeing life and others through our own cultural glasses than we can explore new ways to relate. This new perspective can radically change our lives.
Breaking Free
So, why do we remain in relationships, circles, and peer groups knowing that it harms us, or prevents us from growing? It would seem it is partially about being afraid to reach out to others that are different from us. It could be a fear of the unknown. The conditions that contribute to our feeling stuck, this sort of paralysis that silences our true voice or keeps us from action, can and must be changed! Each of us has an ability to choose the good and seek others who are doing the same.
Is your identity wrapped up in the identity of others? Do you blend in to not be noticed? Are the beliefs and vision, or lack of vision of a few people close to you weighing you down? In examining my own values, morals, perceptions, and behaviors, I have found that discovering what I believe and becoming disciplined to live out those beliefs changes the way I form relationships and my sense of responsibility. I have come to have a keen interest in the lives of others. What are they doing? What do they believe? What inspires them? What are their gifts and passions? What do they love? How do their beliefs and goals differ from my own?
Opening up to understand others allows us to grow. Making healthy decisions that go upstream against the pressures of what narrow-minded people may be demanding from us demonstrates strength and a backbone. Have a backbone! Make good choices today. You may not be able to change the way others behave, how they perceive you, or what they choose to do, but you can make strong decisions for yourself.
Question for Reflection: Can you remember a time you were pressured into doing something you really did not want to do? Journal about the experience.
Helpful Links
Understanding Gender Roles in Relationships
The Tender Warrior by Stu Weber